When death comes into your world, it can knock the wind out of your sails. Sometimes, darkness sneaks into your life without even realizing it. It’s very sneaky because the darkness welcomes you with open arms, and will keep you as long as you are willing, or until you find that strength to leave.
The last two weeks, my family has felt a huge loss, two members were taken, lost the battle against cancer. One before Christmas, and another this week. our family has lost our fair share of loved ones in the last 16 years, so you would think perhaps, it might get easier to let go, grieve? Hardly.
I remember some beautiful words a cousin of mine told me after I had lost my Mom & Uncle, going to wakes/funerals were impossible for me for a long time afterwards. I remember telling her why is it so hard? She said to me “when we go to a wake, or when we grieve for this loved one, we are not just grieving for this person, but for all our loved ones who passed before them.” -All my relations.
This has stuck with me till this day. And has helped me through numerous low moments.
In the last two days, I could feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into the darkness. Life, passion, happiness all were fading away. But, as that old saying goes, life goes on. And every time I turned on the computer, every time I turned on my phone, the tv, read the paper, life is still going on.
Yesterday, was a beautiful warm day, after a long deep freeze on PEI, a perfect day to get out for my walk, out for fresh air. I tried, went for a little one, a walk that was more of a mental health walk than a physical health walk. Slow and methodical. But enjoyed the warm breeze, sounds of the geese down at the river. Didn’t have the impact it usually has on me. My walks are and have been very important to me. They are the difference between life and death. Dramatic? No, pretty accurate.
When I was younger, they were my escape, the beach walks brought so much happiness in my life, so much needed fun. As I became older, and after I had my daughter, they again, brought so much happiness, joy and closeness for both of us, and so many memories for us being with my father. But of course as I get older, my physical health becomes a little more front and centered. With diabetes, mental and emotional health, my walks has brought so much healing. My walks have literally saved my life more times than I can count. My physical-mental-emotional-spiritual well being all benefited from my walking.
So today, as grief was taking hold of my heart, and my spirit, the wind knocked out of my sails, I sat and prayed. Lit some sage, and I prayed and asked for help to keep moving once again. For the pain to be taken, help me be the person that I am here on Earth to be. The boots came on, and the first step was taken…and with each step I could feel life re-enter my body. The heaviness was beginning to lift, the pain receded. My plan for 1/2 km turned into a full 4 km’s. A few tears fell, but those are healing tears, some pain, some joy. I even began counting my blessings in my life…having life pretty much stuck out in my mind this morning. I am grateful for life. I am grateful I am able to walk, able to hear the wind, feel the wind and snow on my face. It was that moment I walk away from that dark place. I chose life. My bounce came back in my steps, my thoughts were turning around with each and every step. They turned from loss to gratitude. No matter how hard it is, take that step, a step today, perhaps two tomorrow, but keep walking. Don’t listen to that little voice saying you can’t, defy that voice with the last ounce of strength, with your last breath…because with every step forward you take, the wind will come back to fill your sails, life will come back and fill your spirit. Just keep walking.